(Tital stolen form Doug Stanhope)
As one might imagine, my last post called many generous souls from the (ivory) woodwork to grant me a peek at their enlightenment. Marriages, they tell, give you tax-breaks, give spouses power-of-attorney if one becomes incapacitated, makes wills and inheritances much easier, helps kids do better in school, clears up your complexion, makes you regular, and will lead to world peace and interspecies communication if only I’d give it a try. Trust me folks, I know this stuff. My attorney convinced me of most of it long ago; that’s how I got talked into getting ordained and performing ceremonies. The thing is though, the post in question was about the egomaniacal impracticality of weddings. I don’t know that I spoke of marriages once. So please stop ejaculating your pro-marriage opinions at me – at least until I’m done.
Once upon a time, in a far off kingdom (the name/location of which I can’t disclose for legal reasons) I had a dizzying conversation with a lovely Latin American sex-worker. Her second language skills far outshone mine (as did hers of exchange rates and arithmeticking sweaty fistfuls of different types of currency), and I was trying to explain my love life, so you can’t be surprised that she wound up walking away frustrated, calling me “estupido” – whatever that means. Before that though, she taught me that the Spanish word esposas could mean either wives or handcuffs. A useful little tidbit indeed.
Actually, Handcuffs isn’t too far off from what we call those we’re wed-locked with in English; ball and chain, awful-wedded, struggle and strife, boss, battle-axe, Yoko Ono, the list goes on and on. And then there are the jokes whose punchlines are that marriage is a sexless, controlling institution! Ah, ha, ha, ha ha ha! Those who’ve been together a decade or more laugh their bitter laugh, and curse time or their spouses. Those still in their honeymoon phase laugh because they know that’ll never happen to them. And the ones who’re in the between chuckle nervously at what they fear they’ve started to feel coming down the tracks.
The world is full of failed and broken relationships; we know this. By most people’s definition, since every love affair you’ve had up until now has ended, they’ve all been colossal wastes of time. Now, does this mean that you’re a failure at love? Why yes. Yes it does. But that’s only because you’re doing it wrong.* Don’t feel too badly about it though; you never really had a chance. I mean look around, the globe is covered with them; people who’re afraid to commit, the bitter ones who’ve been cheated-on too many times and don’t trust anymore, and those who became distracted and distant too soon. And then there are the ones with whom desire fades too quickly, and you find yourself mimicking your parent’s passionless partnership, restless for any hobby more interesting than spending time with their ‘lover.’ Why can’t it be like it is in the movies? The obvious answer is because films, TV, books, and all the places we see dream relationships, are only fantasies. Modern fairy tales. Real life just doesn’t work that way. That’s why one can’t even go to the market and exchange their sweaty fistfuls of coins for a short list of necessities (gatorade, duck-tape, sugar-free chocolate syrup, rubber gloves, anti-fungal condoms, deodorizing pubic shampoo, and that family-size tub of lubricant/hemorrhoid cream) without being bombarded with dozens of bits of advice on “how to spice up an old relationship,” or “inflame your tired spouses genitals,” or some similar horse-twaddle “in the bedroom“. It’s not just you, it’s everybody.
On the one hand finding out that everybody is pretty much in the same boat can be a frightening prospect. Does this mean you’re doomed to either a long, comfortable, lustless, domestication, or as Doctors Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha put it, have serial monogamy stretch before (and behind) you like an arpeggio of failure: isolated islands of transitory happiness in a cold sea of disappointment? Maybe. But look on the bright side, at least you can throttle back a little on some of the guilt. As it turns out humans don’t really have a magic switch in their brain that when clicked to the Love setting makes everyone except their significant other forever unattractive. So yes, it’s normal and natural for both you, and your partner, to be attracted to others. In fact, if you think about it, if you’re really planning on spending the rest of your life with someone, it’s kinda insane to think that neither of you are ever going to wanna join giblets with anyone else – ever.
People don’t want to see it this way though. They’d rather believe in Happily-Ever-Afters and assume when passion fades they weren’t the right one, or they were damaged because they still looked at others, or that your love was broken because you find yourself wanting another, or that you weren’t really loved at all, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But don’t worry; I’m sure the next one will be perfect.
It sends traditionalists into denial fueled rages but more and more Science is coming clean that longterm monogamy just isn’t in our DNA. And really, why would it be when only 3% of mammals are, and our closest relatives are the famously promiscuous chimps and bonobos. Actually, we’re more closely related to them, then they are to any other monkey, gorilla, or ape. In fact, we’re nearer to them than the African elephant is to the Indian elephant. Nowadays the people who specialize in such things tell us our bodies are actually hardwired to make us (want to) stray after a few years with the same person. Apparently genetic diversity is kinda important for our species’ continued existence. This is why humans get what we used to call the seven year itch. Today though, researchers think genetically it’s more like the 3-5 year itch. This is why I always suggest that if you really feel the need to get married, at least wait until after that amount of time to see if you still really want to be with each other after all those wonderful love-drugs produced by the brain level off. Then go plan your big narcissistic waste-of-money-you-could’ve-been-used-to-better-the-world social-function. Opa!
Now, I’m not saying it’s impossible to match ends with only one person for the rest of your life, just unnatural. Obviously. If people truly thought they’d never want to leave each other they wouldn’t need to make a legally binding contract that explicitly states, “in the good times and the fucked.” They’d just stay together because their relationship is full of love and fun. But we know that’s not the way it works, so we try to vow to hold on to that passion forever. Love is the only emotion we feel the need to promise to always feel for someone. And just in case, we make adultery illegal too. The penalties for getting a little hanky-panky on the side have ranged from being banished, to being tortured to death, to having your soul burn in Hell for eternity. In some parts of the world, this can still happen, and you know what? People still play musical beds. You’d think with the stakes this high we’d be able to stop ourselves. But you’d be wrong. Now, if monogamy was natural, why would we need such deterrents, and why haven’t they ever worked?
In the interest of full disclosure though, I have to admit that I’m probably not the one who should be preaching against unnatural acts. I’m a big fan of several. For instance, genetically I am an omnivorous ape; I, however, haven’t eaten meat yet this century. Yes, the world is filled with an overwhelming amount of dead animal, prepared in all sorts of interesting ways, and I choose to make my life more difficult by not indulging in any of it. The difference is though, instead of the veggies, here it’s the ones in the mainstream majority, the unnatural marrying kind, who are the annoying, self-righteous, preachy ones.
