(Title stolen from New Order and beaten into submission)
Apparently, the bondage of wedlock is a holy, unbreakable institution – that might shatter and crumble like a communion wafer if I keep spitting my little opinions at it. Or at least that’s what some seem to believe, judging by their reactions to my digitally ephemeral (ephemerally digital?) words. They act as if I’m telling them that no one will ever love them. And sure, this may be the case, but that’s hardly my fault.
Look, if you want to try and find that one person who’s going to fulfill you romantically, and intellectually, and spiritually, and sexually, and up all your other -allys all the time, and forever. Great. Go for it. Good luck. I’m sure you’ll find that 1 in 7,500,000,000+ and you’ll have all the same interests and love all each other’s hobbies, and be able to be all that each of you needs and wants. (Sigh) Then you can legally bind yourselves together, promising to only change and grow in the same direction, in the same ways, and at the same pace, so you can both still always be everything for your lover. And you’ll never need or want to connect with anybody else – until one of you dies. Beautiful as a fairy tale.
To be honest, there’ve been times when I’ve wished Happily-Ever-After sounded as beautiful to me, as it seemed to to everyone else. But it doesn’t. More than being impossibly ridiculous (ridiculously impossible?), it actually sounds kinda unpleasant. I believe people are too complex and multifaceted for any one other person to fulfill. And that’s a wonderful thing.
You’ll never find someone to share every aspect of your life with. There’s just not anyone who’s into all the same weird, idiosyncratic little things you are. No, instead of nearly finding your Opposite Number, you’re going to meet whole, intricate, and labyrinthine souls. Ones that no matter how much you overlap, will still be full of things so different from you, you won’t be able to imagine. It’ll be amazing, but as they are their own person and all, they’re also going to dislike a lot of the things you enjoy.
Most couples feel the need to try and drag each other along on their boring adventures. And, out of love, people force themselves to grin and bear it, while the whole time the sweetheart they’re tolerating it for, is distracted by their slightly pained expression. This eventually breeds resentment from both parties.
No. No one person will ever be able to be anyone’s everything. People turn themselves inside-out and run themselves ragged trying. But it never completely works, not in the long-run at least. Not even if they’re perfect for you. Because sometimes you’ll feel the need for something they can’t be. Something different. That’s just how humans work. We crave novelty. We want different things at different times. We’re dice flying around inside human tornados. It’s what keeps us learning, and evolving, and striving to improve. It’s also one of the things that makes long-term monogamous relationships so difficult.
For me, the answers to these, and most relationship problems has always been pretty simple. ‘Allow’ my significant others to see others.
When people hear about polyamorous relationships some imagine; swingers, key-parties, married couples with their living sex-toys, great Roman bacchanals, golden tickets to fuck every person you come across, or any number of strange combinations. When really, no matter what they picture, they’re wrong. The truth is that there’s no such thing as typical polyamory. Even if you’ve known someone in one, or have been in one yourself, you still can’t make accurate assumptions about others. Not even your next.
Monogamy is like a one-size-fits-all suit. In “traditional” relationships, we can assume that our next one will have pretty much the same rules as our last. Rules so obvious they don’t even have to be discussed. Our lover makes the same assumptions and all goes along fine and dandy until the other person crazily breaks some rule that you’ve never really discussed. But they should’ve known! I mean really, what were they, raised by bats?! Actually, perhaps I should’ve said monogamy is one-size-fits-most?
Polyamorous relationships on the other hand, have to be tailored made to fit the individuals involved. This obviously can be a bit complicated because with this game of love you get to come up with your own rules. And the rules can be changed over time because polyamory acknowledges that people want different things at different spots in their lives. In fact, that’s kinda the crux of the whole thing. Relationships are fluid, because people are; because life is.
It’s a great big world out there, full of possibilities with all different kinds of people with all different types of relationships. Why only accept the cookie cutter ones your parents handed down to you?
Now, I know what some of you are thinking; this person just has a fear of commitment. Or at least that’s the contusion a most people jump to. And I’ve been ‘Poly’ since before there was a name for it, so I’ve had had lots of time to meditate on this. And I can confidently say that no, I don’t have a problem with commitment. I’ve had my fair share of devoted relationships that have lasted years and years and have ended better than most “normal” relationships I’ve seen. No, it’s not commitment, it’s monogamy that I’m afraid of. And why wouldn’t I be? Something like that can kill, or at least greatly shorten the lifespan of a pretty perfect relationship. It’s no small feat to decide you’re only going to be with one person until you die, and a choice you might want to take seriously. Betting an entire life-long happy relationship on you both maintaining perfect sexual exclusivity seems insane to me. Especially when you know the deck is stacked against you.
I am honestly flabbergasted that it’s normal for one person to love another, think they’re the best in the whole world, want to share their entire life with them, and blah, blah, blah – until that person cheats. Then hate them, think they’re the worst, and never want to speak to them again. People are “supposed” to rip families apart and take at least half of everything a person’s ever made for this shit. And I’m the abnormal one? Polyamory just admits what most are afraid to say out loud, that everyone is going to want another person at some point. That’s the starting foundation, then the people involved build from there, together. Keeping in mind, that though they’re often conflated, there is no real overlap between monogamy and commitment.
Commitment: noun . 1. Something that takes up time or energy, especially an obligation. 2. Devotion or dedication, for example, to a cause, person or relationship. 3. A planned arrangement or activity that cannot be avoided. 4. An act of legally confining somebody to prison or a mental health facility.
Monogamy: noun 1. The practice of having a sexual relationship with only one partner during a period of time. 2. The practice of being married to only one person at a time. 3. The practice of having only one mate at a time or during a lifetime
“Is it so very obvious that you can’t love more than one person? We seem to manage it with parental love (parents are reproached if they don’t at least pretend to love all their children equally), love of books, of food, of wine (love of Chateau Margaux does not preclude love for a fine Hock, and we don’t feel unfaithful to the red when we dally with the white), love of composers, poets, holiday, beaches, friends… Why is erotic love the one exception that everybody instantly acknowledges without even thinking about it?”
~ Richard Dawkins