I’ve written dozens of posts before my last, many much more offensive than the preceding two or three. Never before though, have people so felt the need to defend, or argue for, their life decisions. Apparently, me answering some questions and blathering on about why, for many, polyamory may actually be a valid choice, can really get folks’s silky-sin-hiders in a bunch.
Listen, and I say this with all sincerity – from the bottom of my heart – I don’t give a fuck what you do with your love-life. I am not some ‘alternative’ lifestyle salesperson. No-one needs to give reasons why having the option to see more than one person isn’t for them. To each their own. Some of my best friends are monos.
And I don’t mean to sound condescending (though I am, so that’s the way it comes out) but I gotta admit, it can be kinda fun watching people struggle with their cognitive dissonance. Trying to reconcile how in one sentence they say, “poly sounds like too much work.” and in another preach, “Yes, monogamy is hard… But it’s the work that makes it worth it.” Or how they just know their polyamorous relationship wouldn’t last… So they’ll stick with the serial monogamy they’re completely disheartened by. That’s fine. As I said, it’s your fucking-life. There is one excuse that people shovel at me though, one that tickles the inside of my skull a bit.
“Oh I could never handle a partnership like that. I’m way too jealous a person.”
If you’ve read just about any of my entries you can probably tell that one of the things most important to me is making the most of ourselves and our short time here. Call it self-actualization, personal optimization, becoming a Jedi, or whatever; it’s about getting over the things inside us that fuck us up, and cause us to fuck up. Some shit we’re born with like default settings to our chattering monkey-minds, others we get hanged-up in on our clumsy stagger to grown-up-hood. I believe everyone should be living lives as fulfilling as they can tolerate, but that means always expanding ourselves and comfort zones. Deconstructing and dismantling the things that keep us from being the best, most well-rounded, people we can be. So, when I hear something like, “Oh I could never even try something new, I’ve got negative emotions I let limit my options,” it’s all I can do to deep-breathe away the eye twitch and the vein that sometimes throbs down my forehead.
No, this doesn’t have anything overtly to do with polyamory, it’s something I like to remind myself and keep fresh, just the underside of my angry vein. (Yes, I mean my penis.) One day we are going to die. And with modern medicine the way it is, chances are it’ll be a long, drawn-out, lingering affair. So we’ll have far too long to reflect on all the things we’ve done – and didn’t do. Between now and then though we should do everything in our power to make the list of Ways we Just Won’t Get the Fuck Outta our Own Way as short as possible. So, I suppose if I am selling something, it’d be taste-testing everything the world has to offer. And only then deciding, well informed and honestly, for yourself, whether to spit or swallow.
This isn’t a compliment, or some bullshit motivational-speak, it’s fact: You are capable of far more than you know. (Yes, even of dealing with your jealousy.) Think of all the things you’ve learned over the years. How you’ve matured, or at least have gotten better at being you. All the things you’ve survived you believed you never could. Parents, fears, schools, heart-break, fights, jobs, shitty relationships, et cetera. You lived to tell the tale, probably stronger and wiser too. You made it by learning, adapting, evolving, and just plain-old toughing it out and doing what you thought was ‘impossible.’ If nothing else those experiences should’ve taught you that you do yourself a disservice whenever you say “I can’t” without even trying.
If it was only fear of your own jealousy holding you back, you’d educate yourself. People have written books you can buy and have delivered to your house in discreet brown paper packages. But if actually laying down money seems like too much of a commitment, it is the 21st century; you can always type jealousy into YouTube followed by polyamory, or non-monogamous, or something along those lines, and hear advice from others who’ve struggled with jealousy and worked through it.
We all have a Negative Voice in our heads that likes to tell us stories to tear us down and start trouble. But just because we have it, it doesn’t mean it’s ours. One of the favorite tools of the Negative Voice is jealousy. It whispers – and sometimes shouts – that we’re going to lose the things we love the most. That those tricksy little ho-beasts are going to steal our precious! Most of the time the shit that bounces around inside our skulls about others has little to do with the outside world. The Evil Fucker that lives in our head stokes our insecurities and fans the flames of our resentment. It tells us all sorts of painful stories – which, fortunately can often be reassured away by some open and honest conversations about our feelings with our trusted loved ones. This is why in polyamorous relationships they say communication is the key, as opposed to the stereotypical monogamous one where communication tends to be minimal, and topics about feelings for, or attraction to others are forbidden.
Now, I’m not a big communicator. I’m a researcher, a thinker, a writer – and maybe a couple of other things too. But when it comes to having difficult conversations, or talking about my feelings… or even admitting I have feelings, I’m definitely not one of those people. Not naturally anyway. But that’s one thing about polyamory, if done right, there’s probably going to be some growing pains.
There are all types of jealousy; from sibling rivalry to what some call “romantic” jealousy, to the jealousy you feel towards our loved ones’ hand-held devices or to my perfection. It happens; at work, between family members, and friends. (Though sexual jealousy is the only one we treat like an insurmountable problem.) Yes, The Green-Eyed Monster roars its ugly head everywhere. And despite what some might pretend, it’s a perfectly normal and natural emotion. It’s us anticipating the grief we’d feel if we lost something valuable. Yes, hurting ourselves with worry can be a “misuse of imagination” as they say. But I think that overall, pain is underrated.
Pain is a message that something is wrong, that we’ve got to change how we’re doing something, take better care of ourselves, or just be more aware. Medical science tell us that lepers don’t famously lose bits of themselves as a direct symptom of the disease, but because of the numbness it causes. Without the ability to feel hurt they never realize that they’re fucking themselves up, or that their wounds need to be better tended.
Jealousy, in any kind of relationship, is a sign that we feel threatened, or un-secure. A common mistake people make when these feelings come up is they feel embarrassed by them, or frustrated with themselves for feeling them, and so they hide from, or wallow in them. Or they blame others for the feeling instead of taking ownership of them, and taking them as an opportunity to be insightful and examine, why. Why the insecurity?
